I look at her facebook everytime i get on. I miss her... She wont talk to me, email me, write me, nothing. Its sad, but she has good reason. The Email. The way i live my life. My "illness"(psh something that is just in my own mind) It just makes me mad that they dont understand. And its just not them it is everyone. They dont understand the stress, the fear of ending up like my mother. Waiting for that day when i'm in my 20's and i finally have that crazy siczo breakdown. Thinking that i am Paris Hilton or something. Then going into the mental hospital, get put on more meds and there terrible sideffects.  They just dont understand how scared am i to live. To grow up and become in my 20's. Becoming like my mother. Shes not a bad person at all. She is probably an angel from god. And she is trapped in the mental state of a 10 year old. Its sad. Everytime i look into her eyes i can see how much she hurts. I see her soul deep down tyring to be free, to escape.

   She asked me a little bit ago if i would be her gardian if she was found incompitent. Asking her almost 17year old daughter is she will take on the burden of being her praticly mother. Taking care of her money, driving her around places. taking her to doctors appontiments. All that stuff that she did for me when i was little. It hurts it really does. But i do what i have to do. And some of the stuff i do isnt "apporved of" just to get through the day. Like smoking, thoughs ciggerette's were like a anti-depressent in a stick. They were wonderful. But i quit so no more. And now my meds are going to be changed probably again. Right now i am taking 2 anti-depressents, 1 anti-anxetiy, and one anti- phyic med. Plus vintamins and all that jazz.

  They just dont understand, but i guess no one ever will. And thats what makes me so angry at the world.

 

-P.S i love you forever and today- All American Rejects

 

 

102 days and only 2 blogs written, talk about sad, wow. Yeah things are eh' there goin'. Changing a lot of things in my life, well let me rephrase that... making things better in my life by changing them.  YES! Queen-Under Pressure/with David Bowie. Love that song! It is early, can ya tell??
Yesterday was in the waiting room, ironically looking at a wedding magazine; thought about my cousin, and yeah... i'm not gonna admit it......ok maybe i am....i miss her....a lot....like uber-nessly a lot. HaHa if i would say that she would correct my english.
I remember when i was younger, everything was so much simpler. Time will you please rewind?? Yep it is 5:17am, been awake since 2ish am. I an now considering telling my problems to no one, creates less controversy.
5:20am- it has been 3mins, re-read what i just wrote and yawned...a lot...lol. Brrr! my feet are freezing. I feel so random this morning, if you couldn't tell already. Yeah...i am just ranting on, dont really have a certain  thing to write about.
I'm pondering if i should ask Brandon if i could go up to the cabin  with him, just to get away for a weekend. Eh' prolly not gonna happen, o well. I used to day dream all of the time, but now that i try, it doesnt work. I cant hold a dream, they are just scattered and there are so many of them.
5:37am- going to quit ranting and take some pictures!! prolly going to add them on here.

Jenni

HaHa look how great i am at math! i this would be my 5th blog in 102 days.